How 12-step meetings build self-leadership skills
Over 200 fellowships worldwide, from AA to Al-Anon to Overeaters Anonymous, welcome millions of members each week to share their experience, strength, and hope.
This is a world I know well, having walked into the rooms in 2006, dragging a life that was falling apart behind me that has since been gradually, mindfully, consciously, beautifully, renovated and rebuilt.
During my recovery journey, I began to realise that the 12 steps were really a design for living life rather than any sort of restrictive and punitive directive. They gave me a new pair of glasses to view the world through, one where self-awareness, self-compassion, empathy, humility, spirituality and radical responsibility were elevated and consistently practised as a new-found sense of self-worth anchored me into my future.
In essence, I developed the ability to become a confident self-leader. Over the years my fellowship friends and I sat in hundreds of meetings listening to how people dealt with what life threw at them without turning to their addictions of choice to soften the blows.
We marvelled at the strength, grit, resilience, ingenuity, optimism and deep joy that our fellow travellers shared with us and learned a thousand lessons ourselves. Over coffee and biscuits, we often said to one another “everyone should come to meetings - the world would be a better place if they did!”. It seems that our thoughts were valid as the science of positive psychology reveals.
The positive psychology connection
Dane O’Leary, a counsellor at Michaels House, a rehab centre in the US, tells us that, similar to the dopamine surge that individuals experience from an addictive substance or behaviour, sharing - or “storytelling” has been found to cause similar neurological responses.
In effect, when individuals speak during 12-Step meetings, the brain releases dopamine and rewards them for the sharing behaviour. This positive feeling boosts well-being and encourages a repeat of this new behaviour. Furthermore, recovery from addiction in 12-step programs depends on a member achieving what is referred to as a “spiritual awakening,” which creates a more grateful, upbeat, and empathetic outlook on life.
This isn’t an intangible religious experience (though it can definitely feel deeply spiritual) - psychology tells us it occurs as the result of cognitive interventions and behavioural adjustments that accumulate as members work through the 12 Steps.
According to research, positive psychology underpins this process of spiritual renewal and awakening. As an approach, positive psychology focuses on instilling a sense of resiliency, which will allow individuals to more readily face and overcome the problems they may encounter in day-to-day life, while also enhancing one’s feelings of gratification and enjoyment in life.
As a student of positive psychology and a grateful member of 12 step program, I can testify to a much-improved life thanks to both.
The lessons available
As a graduate of Positive Psychology from the Langley Institute, I’ve given my 12-step experience more thought from the well-being and thriving angle, and here are some of my ideas as to why there could be a 12-step curriculum for the world!
I see these lessons in three distinct categories.
Three Connection Lessons
Hearing other people's stories creates connection and empathy. No one wants to feel terminally unique, that you're the only one struggling with difficult thoughts, emotions and scenarios. Stories connect us, as they have since the dawn of time. Honest and authentic sharing is the heart of 12-step meetings, and this encourages and rewards vulnerability which is essential for true connection. When you courageously share a deep secret, that triggers shame and fear and you’re met with “yep, me too”, something shifts inside of you. A weight lifts. A new window of possibility opens.
The insights and progress you hear when members describe dealing with “life on life's terms” create a feeling of gratitude and appreciation for your own life, helping you to acknowledge your strengths and resourcefulness as you reflect on what you've managed handled and move through.
Meetings help you to realise that we seldom know what’s going on under the surface for another person. Your fellow humans battle big and little issues that are really challenging. This often means that their reactions to things might seem surprising, disappointing or even frustrating to you. When you adopt the philosophy that everyone is doing the best they can, that their reactions and behaviour often have very little to do with you, when you can tap into compassion you can travel through life more lightly. Not only does that feel good, but it also creates a ripple effect that positively impacts others.
Three Responsibility Lessons
Acceptance is at the heart of all 12-step programs. This does not mean you are a passive creature, with life “happening” to you. Rather you don’t waste time and energy fighting upstream against the current. You begin to get clear about what is in and outside of your control and you focus and apply yourself accordingly and begin to let go a little more. As Byron Katie reminds us “when you argue with reality you only lose 100% of the time”.
Another core practice is to take personal inventory. This is a significant and confronting step - very few people look forward to identifying the many ways in which they’ve screwed up, hurt others, made mistakes, and been wrong in the post and then take action to make amends. But wow, is it freeing when you do! This radical responsibility is a game changer, especially as the program encourages you to “continue to take personal inventory and when you’re wrong, promptly admit it”. Imagine if more people did that!
“Does it need to be said, does it need to be said by me, does it need to be said now?”. That filter was shared with me very early in the program and it has been one of my most used tools ever since. Try it out - you’ll likely be surprised at how much you don’t actually need to say.
Three Wellbeing Lessons
Introducing a spiritual connection into our life can be invaluable. I was initially rather sceptical of the “God” word in the 12 step literature, but my disdain was softened by the qualifier “God… as you understand him”. We had the freedom to define our own Higher Power concept.
For me it was nature and that has grown into a general sense of peace, of being taken care of by something bigger than me, something that I can’t really pin down, but I feel deeply supported by. You don't have to be religious - many aren't - I love Brene Brown's definition of spirituality - “Spirituality is recognising and celebrating that we are all inextricably connected to each other by a power greater than all of us and that our connection to that power and to one another is grounded in love and compassion”.A vital skill that is developed in the program is Emotional Regulation - the ability to pause and then mindfully respond rather than react to situations. When practised, this skill delivers incredible results, helping you to nurture personal and business relationships, make better decisions across the board, building confidence in your ability to cope with anything that life throws at you.
And to my fellow Sparky-brained readers… I had no idea ADHD was part of my experience when I walked into the rooms in 2006. Like so many people with undiagnosed and untreated ADHD, I'd turned to substances to manage the emotional intensity and the constant feeling of being different (and the merciless bullying that ensued). Research shows the connection between ADHD and addiction is significant, we're trying to self-medicate something we don't yet understand. Learning this years into my recovery helped me shake off the last stubborn vestiges of shame I'd been carrying.Gratitude, gratitude, gratitude - keeping a gratitude diary each night became an integral part of my recovery journey and gradually, it helped me to filter for the good in my life and lift my natural optimism again. In positive psychology research, gratitude is strongly and consistently associated with greater happiness.
Gratitude helps us feel more positive emotions, relish good experiences, build strong relationships and deal with adversity, and that has certainly been my experience. Don't dismiss it - it really is a simple and powerful way of leading yourself into a more resilient and positive state of mind.
Self-leadership Development
My recovery journey has been a masterclass in self-leadership development.
Growing in self-efficacy, challenging my old thinking patterns, pausing to respond rather than react, facing rather than numbing and running from my emotions, and taking consistent courageous action when I was scared and sad, as I gradually left my addiction behind and rebuilt my self-worth, were all actions of self-leadership.
I define Self-leadership as the shift from external validation to inner authority - actively developing a confident sense of who you are, taking ownership of what you do, and being intentional about where you are going.
We start with knowing ourselves - our stories, strengths, values, drives, vulnerabilities and vision for the future.
From there we build our ability to think clearly, harnessing our inner dialogue and thought patterns to support ourselves.
We then heighten our emotional dexterity by noticing our triggers, defining our feelings and choosing to respond rather than react.
This allows us to leverage self-determination, to act with courage, clarity and integrity, building our self-efficacy as we set and achieve positive goals.
Each one of these steps has been shaped by the 12 steps and I’m committed to expanding my Self-Leadership approach to partner with my business strategy coaching and mentoring.
Which ideas might you explore further as a self-leader in your own life?
You can take the Self-leadership Assessment here to discover the level you’re currently at.
