How Do You Define Success? (Without Apology)
My husband semi-retired recently.
After decades of big roles, international travel, and the kind of schedule that had clear markers of “productive day” vs “unproductive day,” he’s suddenly… unmoored.
It’s been fascinating for me (and a bit challenging for him, truth be told) to watch the recalibration process. What matters when you’re not in meetings? When there’s no project deadline? When “a good day” isn’t measured by what you ticked off a list?
He’s finding his new equilibrium, but witnessing his journey got me thinking:
How do we define or measure success - without apology? And how does that change over time?
The Venus Fly Trap of Second-Hand Success
I know I’ve fallen into the sticky trap of what I call “second-hand success” in the past. That’s when you try to make someone else’s goals fit you.
Spoiler: they never do.
Lots of second-hand items look great (trust me, I’m an experienced thrift shopper - I love the Aladdin’s cave of op shops for books and clothes). And occasionally something really does seem to be perfect.
But it’s rare.
What’s way more common is, because the thing was never originally intended for you, you settle… accept a not quite right colour or pattern, maybe make some alterations. Tug here, pin there, convince yourself it’s “good enough”.
In business, we often do the same thing.
We adopt someone else’s way of doing business and their goals (work harder, grow, scale, be seen everywhere, create an 8-figure business yada yada yada) and then wonder why we feel crappy.
I spent far too long worried about other people’s opinions. It’s a key reason why I got stuck in my marketing agency - thinking if I let go I would be negatively judged for not continuing to pursue the “right sort of success” - you know, the “bigger is better” flavour of business kool-aid we’re often encouraged to drink.
Years ago, I came across Brené Brown’s post-it note practice: write down the names of the people whose opinions truly matter to you, and keep it with you. Your own name should be on that list too by the way! It’s a concept that’s stuck with me because it forced me to confront how much energy I was wasting worrying about people who genuinely didn’t matter.
I’ve shared this fab wee insight with dozens of clients since then.
When Someone Else’s Definition Doesn’t Fit
Last week, a client said to me: “I’ve realised I don’t have to scale my business. I don’t WANT to scale my business!”
She’d just spent the last school holiday month not opening her laptop once. She came back to her desk with a lot more clarity after a “hell year.”
In this chapter of her life, balance matters more than empire building. Being present with her kids matters. Doing interesting, enjoyable work also matters, but not at the expense of her life.
She was stepping into “redefining success” territory - shaking off that conditioning kool-aid. But the step felt a bit scary. And she felt guilty about it. Like she was copping out. Giving up.
If this is a thought dancing around in your head too, I’ll share the same simple philosophy I shared with her:
No one but you gets to decide what success means to you. Every one of us gets to craft a unique definition for ourselves.
I have a mantra - your business needs to serve YOU just as much as you serve your clients. It’s supposed to fit around YOUR life, not the other way around. The energy, time, and focus you have in THIS chapter. Now.
That will likely change again for another chapter. But right here, right now? You get to choose the pace and the style.
What Success Used to Mean (And Why It Changes)
Our definition of success - and our goals - should change over time. What was right in a previous chapter may not fit you now.
This is where the skills of self-leadership become essential, so you can shift from external validation to anchoring into your own inner authority.
One of MY measures of success has been “getting it ALL done before I knock off for the day.”
As in, there is no way on EARTH I can put this aside and finish it tomorrow… something catastrophic will occur if I do not work late and get it done.
Nope. Nope. Nope.
That is just not true 95% of the time. It’s my “now, not now” sparky-brain creating its own world of urgency, hyped up by Helga (my inner critic persona) who arrives, on cue, ready to whip my lazy ass into shape.
Breaking the Pattern
I’m noticing the pattern and am not going to automatically buy in to it this year. This is self-leadership in action - it’s the essential downtime yin to the yang of strategy when you’re a business owner.
So with discernment in place, and a husband who used to work and travel a lot now more available, I’m choosing to challenge and change that measure.
I put writing this blog to one side last week and knocked off early to play 9 holes of golf with Graham in the afternoon…
With that view, could you blame me for resetting my goals!?
A better work/life blend is one of mine now. After all, isn’t that one of the reasons many of us started our own business?
The Role of Discernment
Here’s what I’m learning: defining success for yourself requires a dedication to discernment.
Not the passive “going with the flow” kind. The active, conscious kind where you:
Notice whose voices are in your head when you’re making decisions
Recognise when you’re adopting goals that aren’t actually yours
Question whether “productive” means what you think it means
Get clear on what matters in THIS chapter of your life and business
Give yourself permission to change the definition as you evolve
It means being willing to disappoint people who expect you to keep chasing their version of success.
It means letting go of the guilt that comes with choosing differently.
It means trusting yourself enough to say “this is what success looks like for me right now” - without apology.
How About You?
Here’s my question for you: “How do you measure success right now?”
Has it changed from what it used to be? What are you noticing about your own definition? What role is discernment playing in your choices?
I’m curious to hear your answers. Not because I need to validate your choices (you’re the only one who gets to decide if they’re right for you), but because I think we need more honest conversations about what success actually looks like when we’re not performing for the algorithm or measuring ourselves against someone else’s highlight reel.
In fact, I’m keen to put together a Podcast Episode on this topic, so if you’d like to share your definition, let me know - you can email me connect AT angelaraspass dot com dot au or leave a comment below.
Your business should serve you as much as you serve your clients. Your definition of success should fit the life you’re actually living - not the one you think you’re supposed to be living.
And when that definition changes? That’s not giving up. That’s growing up.
P.S. About That Sweet Spot…
The intersection where your business is sustainable, profitable, and actually enjoyable? That’s your Business Sweet Spot.
Define your own sweet spot and make no apologies for changing up your goals.
If you’re thinking “this sounds great but HOW?” - that’s exactly what Leanne O’Sullivan and I are focused on helping you find. Discernment sits at the heart of our Business Sweet Spot Mastermind & Community - doing less overall, just more of the things that truly matter to your unique business and unique self.
